G*nkism is a real-world offshoot of the fictitious Cult of the Power Droids, itself an offshoot of the real-world Usenet movement (c. 1993) dedicated to spreading the good news about G*nk.
Sole Deity Edit
G*nk is the ultimate power in the universe. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the G*nk.
G*nk can transcend space and time and has been directly responsible for countless turning points in intergalactic history.
The Name of G*nkEdit
G*nk may not be referred to as "Gonk," for to speak the holy name is blasphemy, unless you are doing so in the context of warning others not to blaspheme, as I have done here.
However, the primary utterance of G*nk is "Gonk," and when used to refer to the word "Gonk" instead of the deity G*nk, the full spelling is acceptable.
Holy Words Edit
The holy words all G*nkists use, when situationally appropriate, are:
"Gonk. Gonk. Gonk ko kyenga see."
The holy words of G*nk are not permitted to be translated as per Baobab Security Directive 51-C.
Primary Teachings Edit
The Tenet of InactionEdit
- G*nk hath no arms; thus are His followers to live a passive life, doing as little as possible, apart from walking around. But let this not be mistaken for laziness, for G*nk cannot sitteth on His ass, having none upon which to sit, and no means to rise again even if He had an ass.
The Tenet of Energy-Generation Edit
- G*nk is a power droid and generates His own energy; thus are His followers to derive no sustenance from external sources, such as food or water, which are not considered kosher. (This tenet explains G*nkism's low population of truly orthodox followers.)
The Tenet of Ammunition Edit
- G*nk supplies ammunition for any weaponry to any who should request it, regardless of their affiliation; thus are His followers to do the same.
Secondary Teachings Edit
G*nk determines of all games of chance, even those that are rigged by mortal beings. Thus, gambling is neither encouraged nor discouraged. But gambling in the name of G*nk will gurantee your win as long as you donate half of it to the G*nk cult.
All forms of dance that require only legs, such as tap, are permitted. G*nkists are forbidden from waltzing or swinging their partners round and round in a do-si-do.
As G*nk hath no genitalia, G*nkists may not use theirs for sexual purposes. Those who violate this tenet are not doomed, but are also not seen as perfect exemplars of the will of G*nk.
Creation Myth Edit
In the beginning, there was G*nk. G*nk created the universe, but it was without form, and void. And G*nk saw the void, and He said, "Gonk."
And G*nk did populate the universe with beings both droid and organic. And He looked upon His creation, and again He spake, saying, "Gonk."
The Afterlife Edit
Death is referred to as "deactivation" in G*nkism. G*nkists believe that when you are deactivated, you travel to the Scrapheap Beyond, where you wait to be "reconstituted" (reincarnated) into a new form. Your new form will be dictated by the extent to which you exemplified the Will of G*nk in life; the more G*nklike you were in life, the more your new form shall resemble His, until at last, after many lives and deaths, you may one day attain true G*nkness and become one with the G*nk.